I just dreamt that every single friend I had systematically phased me out of their life because of some fatal flaw they found, and said flaw was never the same one from person to person.
I had to move out to another house because my roommates hated me, owned by people who also hated me, next to people who would construct guns on their porch and aim them at me as I passed by, to the amusement of whichever friend was still with me out of some feeling of obligation.
I was about to hitchhike to another city far away where I knew no one, but I thought it was too dangerous and expensive and was worried that all of the people I met would see all of my flaws and i’d have to leave again. But some of my friends who hated me but also pitied me so we still talked were trying to convince me that was for the best. Because it meant that I wouldn’t be near them.
I could not get anyone to help me move or figure out my new place or go to the store to buy things I needed or anything except come over to my place and scowl in judgement as I desperately tried to convince them I was worth refriending. This extended to my boyfriend, too.
Fuck you too, brain.
Sincerely, fuck off with this bullshit.
Today on things I am immeasurably grateful for…
Having a boyfriend who loves me and who would never be abusive, physically or emotionally, towards me.
Reading through websites like Project Unbreakable really makes me remember and realize how fortunate I am.
And I know I say that if that wasn’t the case - if I met someone who was abusive, that they’d never make it to the state of “boyfriend”. I’d like to think that’s true. But I have my doubts, in myself, in my confidence, in my ability to see it for what it is.
None of that matters. Not right now. Because right now, I am happy. Grateful. Lucky.